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Sunday, November 30, 2008

your now legally 18!
a wish from swbb.bs.c

Tuesday, November 25, 2008



Saturday, November 22, 2008
lease sold

i've shifted away for awhile.
u want the link ASK, if nt scram!
(ps. i don't mean to be a bitch, but i don't care, i'm in a pissy mood) rawr!


i'm tired of making the first move.
it's becoming annoying.
so fuck off.

Friday, November 21, 2008


Thursday, November 20, 2008

what am i?
i've been searching deep into my soul right now.
and i don't think i want to anymore. searching makes me feel unwanted.
my heart tells me to stop beating.
my head is telling me to not, because then i'll just be another dirt you'll step on.
then again, who am i to anybody.
if i just died,
i'd just be the girl at the back of the class you wished you knew better to stop me from doing a mistake.
but i am not tht kind.
i don't want to be.
can i not open my eyes any longer,
because it hurts to know that i'd be broken when i open my eyes,
each blink makes me realise that there is so much bullshit in this world.
get away from me, because i'm hurting.
it sucks to know that.
i'm hurting. i dont want to say it, not again.
i hate coming to school.
i hate myself for being like this even more.
why again.
of all times, why?
god must love me so much to put me through this, he wants me to become stronger.
but all i can do is pray that all this will end.
you treat me so well.like i don't ever matter, then i just wished that i was never ever here in the first place.
i feel so CB now.

Monday, November 17, 2008

i've finally updated the blogshop...but havnt updated nad's bag...will soon...now doing boring ENSP...blah its like boring me to the core but at least it has drawings i can do....

hehe, im uber bored right now, since i'm done with my 1st board, and scale sketching and nad's $7 bag. hehe nad i never change price okay, 7 means 7 no bargaining. okay i'm like bored i'm falling asleep. even who's line is it anyway can't help me stay awake right now.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

drawing to scales is driving me nuts.

and doing boards is taking me too long.

can u take a day and mould it into an object?
because i need to keep it with me. :)

(ps. im not politically correct hehe)

nad ur bag is otw!


Saturday, November 15, 2008
i think this is dedicated to YOU...

one thing i'd like to make sure to that person.

i've done some reflecting. i've searched deep down through and through. what i mean is, i'm not what you think i am doing this to you. i do treat you as a normal human. as is i were to have a friend who opened up about it.i would accept it. i would just love her/him for her/him. because what i do or react negatively will affect her/him. i don't want anything bad to happen. losing a friend is like losing part of your soul. what your friend needs is support from you. imagine how hard it is for him/her to say that to you. that one secret that they have kept inside so long, just telling you means that they trust you enough not to be like the others. i am not criticising. i am rationalising.

because if i was to be gay. would you do the same to me?.....

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Sunday, November 09, 2008
this feeling

dear reader's( 1 and counting)

you know, when i first set up this blog, i felt that i would not keep it long enough to even last for years. then i realised that i have been faithful to this blog, not letting it wither like some unforsaken flower. i realised that all my post's have changed. changed form the worst vocabulary and shortest post of my ever boring life, to the not so good but improving post's that i have published. right now i'm thinking should i make this a draft instead of a post. but i will not. because i might not have enough courage to do this a next time.yes, i am a coward.and i admit it.

but right now...
i think back. seeing this blog, i feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and self pity. maybe it's not just me anymore. i keep spacing out. distracted. i hate coming back to this blog knowing that it's sad news i will hear. i can't continue like this. i don't need any of this right now. if me being like this scares you then help me. if it doesnt scare you, you know i will get over this phase in life. but don't act like i'm different, because i am insecure. you think i'm different with you, but i'm not and never will be. but that look you give me, is all that i need to assure myself that you think i am. the way you talk to me the way you just stare. i will be okay when everyone's okay. don't make me cry again because i will. i have said already too many times, that i've already cried too many times to even think properly, i use my heart instead of my head. but that's just me. i'm unreadable. but once my secret is out, i'll use it against me.

i'm not hitting anyone right now.
i just hate coming back to this blog.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

can we be okay?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

it's november.
7 months.
16 years.
and still counting.

i love my friends, but yet i think that i don't fit in.

i love my family, but i think i'm neglecting them.

someone said that i was gung-ho

(Extremely enthusiastic and dedicated)

and said that i kept everything in.

she was right.

i am.

Monday, November 03, 2008
meteor shower

someone once told me,' if i could change one thing in the world what would you do?'

my answer was: 'i wished i was never born'

she looked at me with sad eyes,

i knew what she was going to say,

but i said it jokingly.

i didn't mean to hurt her,

because what she said made me cry

' i knew that was the answer you would have given me, even though jokingly, i sense some truth in it. i may not be the best person to tell you this, but i am Your friend, i have never wished you were not born, i bless myself for you being born. i'm sad that you think that way, everything is not alright right now, but it will be, just know that everyday, your smile, makes me wonder what it is like to live without you. and i smile just at the thought of you smiling back at me'

i told her that once, and she said it back to me,

she hit me like a meteor falling down from earth, unable to stop falling.

i was thinking,

she was right,

i'd smile everyday, like everythings alright, knowing that i will be one day.


Saturday, November 01, 2008
memories past midnight

who, can she turn to,
to let loose,
let everything go,
she choses not to tell
whatever her heart desires,
to not say anything,
not show,
not see,
not speak
not breathe the air she breathes,
she cowers against pillars,
in which she seeks strength
to speak up
in what she believes,
the world itself bring forth
a world of wonders,
one she sees as God's gift of courage
and honesty.
who can she turn to,
to let loose,
let go of everything
she had ever dreamed of...